Random Ramblings: Lots going on – failed doctor appointment, 2nd denial from social security

There has been a lot going on this last past week.

It started on Tuesday being contacted by MetLife to find out if I thought I could do any kind of work. There were a lot of questions about what I’ve tried so far and how I’ve been feeling for the last year. It was pretty emotional having to talk through how shitty my life has been the last year and a half. I actually cried on the phone. I couldn’t help it. I really wish things were different, and to try and explain yourself to someone was extremely emotional.

Then on Wednesday I decided to go see the new back D.O. again. Ultimately, I decided to try and see him again. One, I felt slightly pressured (by myself) from MetLife to have a follow-up with the guy. I just wasn’t sure since I have been in continuous, worse pain since the last time I saw him. Yet, I thought it would be good to actually find out what he was going to do for me, since I was in pain and all, I might as well find out at what cost.

The drive there is only two blocks away. It hurt so bad! A part of my back that had never hurt before, plus the annulus, and all of the lower back muscles. I had to try and hold myself up in the car just to take some of the edge off.

We made it there, and, thankfully, they whisked me right in. He asked me how I was doing, and I told him the truth — way worse. He decided that he wouldn’t do any manipulations that day and wait until I wasn’t so flared up. I have to tell you, I really, really appreciated that. I’m so flared up right now I could barely walk around the block. I asked him what he thought I should do in the mean time, and he suggested getting some cranial massage to try and relax my nervous system. I think as long as the people can come to my house, that would be in my best interest.

Today I was supposed to see that Dr House guy. Again, the office gave me the run-around. My appointment was originally scheduled for 2:00. It then got bumped to 3:00 and then 3:30. She was so bitchy with me on the phone and I just don’t want to suffer trying to drive there and find that I have to wait forever just to see him and be in severe pain tomorrow and, well, let’s be honest, for weeks upon weeks after.

I had a long conversation with my husband and we both agreed (which was really nice) that I wouldn’t go. He called the office and asked since I already had the time scheduled, if the doctor would call me for a consult — she didn’t even ask him, she just said no. I think, just after this last appointment and how bad my back hurts, I’m just not up to it. I keep trying and trying. When is enough enough? How many doctors do I have to see? I’ve seen 3 back doctors, 3 pain management, 6 different physical therapists, 2 different acupuncturists, a rheumatologist, my primary, my endocrinologist, a massage therapist, and a myofascial therapist.

I’m so frustrated by this last setback. It’s bad. It hurts when I lay down again. Walking is difficult. Stretches — forget stretches. I’ve had to lay down twice just to write this blog post.

I’ll check back in next Wednesday. That will be two weeks from onset of flare-up/setback. Man, I hope it is in between the car setback and the bike setback. 2 weeks for bike and 7 weeks for car. Although, I feel like it will be more like the car seeing as it was a similar motion — leaning back.

I had my MRI

I’m tired and frustrated

I went to get my MRI today. Ugh.

Not. Good.

It started off fairly well. I did my stretches this morning and it went as well as any other morning over the last few days. The car ride was where I was a bit concerned. I have not sat for the last 5 weeks so this was the first time that I sat for any length of time, especially in a car. I did pretty well. It wasn’t until the last two minutes that I really started to get a bit anxious. However, I could see the hospital so that made me feel better. I’d say the ride was about 15 minutes?

I got there, and I have to say, I was a bit annoyed. They told me the appointment was at 9:00. Nope. It was actually at 9:15 and they were running about 15 minutes behind. Anyone with back pain knows that adding a half hour onto any event is brutal. I tried pacing the halls a bit. That seemed to help.

Here is where it got ugly. Laying down on the MRI bed was excruciating. It was so firm. I tried really hard to stay in the MRI the whole time, but I ultimately couldn’t do it. I just felt the L5-S1 annular tear area pulling. Then the throbbing began. Then my butt and leg started to hurt immensely. I started to cry a bit, trying to hold on. I just couldn’t do it.

I’m mostly frustrated because I feel like I should be doing better by now. I should be able to lay in a MRI machine. I could before. Maybe not well, but I made it through the entire exam. Why not this time?

I should be doing so much better. It’s been so long. I’m tired of my life passing me by. I wish there was something I could do!

Tomorrow is my appointment with the doctor to go over the findings. Hopefully we can come up with some kind of game plan.

4 weeks post set back. I’m sad

I’m sad

Saw my doctor today 4 weeks post setback. He didn’t look too thrilled to see me, which is rather irritating. Does he think that I really want to still be coming to the doctor?

I asked him to do another ultrasound on my back. It confirms that I still have a tear at the right erector spinae muscle. I asked if he thought it looked new? Or worse? He said that it just looks like a bit of a continuation of the previous muscle tear.

He recommended for that perhaps PRP in the future, thinking that the Prolotherapy wasn’t going to be enough to help solve that muscle tear. I asked him if he thought I was starting over from the beginning. He said no, but he wanted to really wait to give me a prognosis until we got a repeat MRI to see how the annular tear at L5-S1 was doing.

He was not a fan of getting facet joint injections of the L3-L5 area. He felt like the epidural steroid injections really didn’t help the first time around and that they probably wouldn’t help this time around either but that he didn’t want to make any recommendations until he got the results of the MRI.

He was not too geeked up on taking the Celebrex or doing Lidocaine patches during the day, thinking that the Lidocaine would mask the pain and that that would perhaps do more harm than good. He thought that it would be just fine to use them at night, and that it might help me with sleep.

As for physical therapy, he too, said no more.

Only other real thing that he said was absolutely no sitting and not a lot of standing, but that he wanted me to really keep moving. That’s a tough one. How am I supposed to keep moving and not stand and not sit? Ughh. And stairs are really not that successful, so how am I to get out of the house?

Overall, I am very, very stressed out, and not sure what to do. I mean, there really isn’t anything I can do. It’s hard. You want to be proactive in your recovery, and it’s more like just sitting (or not) around and waiting. I can’t cry myself to sleep every night. That’s not really helpful either.

Massive setback

Well, about a month ago, I was told that I would still be better by January 1. I have to say, I was actually starting to believe it. FOr the first time, I was able to sit longer, I was able to walk longer, and while I was out (standing) at a bar, I was able to last longer than I ever had before.

Sadly, I actually started to get a little bit of hope.

Then, again, my physical therapist did an exercise that ended by good luck streak and my chances for a recovery by January 1.


I don’t know what to do now. I’m at such a loss. It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since the injury and I am still severely limited. I look old after this year and a half. I feel like what a president looks like when they leave office. I look tired, my skin is splotchy, and I’m fat. I’m lonely, feel isolated, and don’t know what to do. Do I calm down — knowing that I will EVENTUALLY  get better? But, the truth is, I don’t know anymore. I actually started to have a bit of hope a month ago. Now I am down in the dumps again.

Any advice?