Physical therapy hurts

soccer ballI”m not gonna lie. Physical therapy hurts. Let me be clear. It’s not, oh I just came back from a soccer game and I’m sore kind of pain.

It’s I dropped 2000 steps in a day pain. Let me be specific, that’s a little under half my steps for the day. The kind of pain that is hard to breathe throughout the day. The kind of pain where when I lay down, I can now feel it pain. It is the anxiety producing kind of pain. It’s anxiety producing because you just can’t get comfortable. You stand, you lay, you pace — but nothing, nothing works. As the day progresses, the anxiety sets in more and more. The shallow breathing. The shaking hands …

Then you’re crying.

But I’m desperate. I want to be better. So I’m not sure if I am doing too much at PT. How can I be doing too much? I’m barely doing anything at all.

But it seems too much for me.

I can’t bear the thought of telling people it hurts too much. I already feel like a failure. Medications don’t work. Surgery isn’t warranted … so what do I do?

PT has gotten me in trouble before, clearly. I wouldn’t be as bad off as I am if it weren’t for PT. However, some of it did help before.

So I’m caught between putting pressure on myself to get better, seeing this as my last hope, and very much worried that I’m doing more harm than good.

I’m at a loss of what to do.

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Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook atmadelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com