I went to a new doctor yesterday. He is an osteopathic back doctor. The last time I went to see JD, my primary, I asked him, as a last result, was there ANYONE he could think of that I should see? He suggested this guy.
All in all, he was very thorough. He asked all the right questions, was on point, and really seemed to listen. I did forget about how to talk with a doctor though who is trying to put you through their exam. It’s hard because in my heart, I feel like I should be able to do all the motions he puts me through. It’s like I have a preexisting synapse that says, yes, he should be able to put my knee to my chest. Yet, I was briskly reminded when he just lifted my leg up in the air to “see” where and when it would hurt. I guess I wish they could just ask me first. Maybe say “how far can you lift your leg” instead of doing it. Doing it has caused me to be in a ton of pain yesterday and today. The problem is, these pains, don’t just last a few days. They last weeks.
I have to admit, I’m exhausted. I go see these doctors because we are hoping someone can help. That someone will have the answer. There are so many problems when I go see these doctors. One, I sort of still get my hopes up. That maybe, just maybe, he will have the answer. When they don’t, it’s so defeating. I begin to spiral all over again about how much I have lost in life. Everything. The ability to have kids. The ability to make a man happy. The ability to work. The ability to play with my nephew and niece. The ability to be a more happy and less stressed individual. The other problem is the pain. I am in so much pain right now. Standing hurts again. Yes, standing always hurts, but, now, immediately again. Laying hurts. I can’t get comfortable at night. This whole situation is intolerable.
And yet, I have another appointment with this guy next week. Why? Because I still hope. I still dream maybe I will get better. I still struggle with the fact that most people get better. That only 10% of us don’t. I struggle with the fact that even though I didn’t have sciatica, which seems to be a worse condition, I don’t get to get better. The guy who drew my blood today (another issue, just routine maintenance), he said he had back pain with sciatica 16 years ago. He had surgery and now he is fine.
I’m not fine.