Still not recovered from PT

field of poppiesIt’s been two and a half weeks since my last PT visit and I’m finally able to sleep through the night without being woken up from the pain. I am able now, for a few days to remain in bed when I wake up and not be in pain. That’s really, really nice.

However, my walking has remained severely limited. I’m about 2000 steps below what I normally do. For all those people out there who are worried about their weight, let me just say this. I’ve gained 3 pounds in the last 2.5 weeks. So, at this point, that’s perhaps what this 2000 steps equates to.

Besides the increased pain and the lack of concentration because of it, I’m bummed because what the loss in steps means. I was working so hard to be able to venture outside of my apartment to go do stuff. I was hoping to be able to walk to the bars come football season to at least be able to watch a quarter there. It would do me tremendous mental good to be able to be around people again. I’m so isolated and so lonely, I was so looking forward to it.

I’d rather be able to do that they have a modicum of increased range of motion.

I go again tomorrow and I am quite frightened.

**

This blog is made possible thanks to this GoDaddy coupon CJSIGLERC. If you want to blog yourself, I highly recommend it, check it out.

****

Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook atmadelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

Feeling a bit down

I’m just feeling a bit down today as my friends came to visit and now they are gone. I have had some visitors lately and it has been so super nice. As I’ve recently posted, my family was in town, and then now my friends.

It just goes to show how very lonely I am. I spend day in and day out without seeing anyone and it is just really tough. I didn’t get to go do any of the stuff that my friends came into town for — to go see the baseball game and then get dinners and such. They also went to the beach one day.

However, just to have them come back in the door and chat about their day was just so lovely. It made me feel like a real human being again. We could chat about something other than my pain. I could just be quiet and listen to them happily chat away about their good times for the day.

Yes, of course I wish I could have gone with them, but even just to be around people living life was just so nice.

The PT setback is just really an absolute bummer. I’m having such a hard time even standing. My steps are down by 2000, so my dreams of walking a few blocks to the bar to watch football games looks like it is out of reach for awhile. I worked so hard to get my steps up for that. It’s the hugest disappointment.

Then there is the pain. I can’t sleep. I don’t feel like eating because the pain sucks so bad. The worst is that it wakes me up and then I can’t fall back asleep.

I really just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lonely and so miserable it is just tough to find a reason to get up in the morning anymore.

**

This blog is made possible thanks to this GoDaddy coupon CJSIGLERC. If you want to blog yourself, I highly recommend it, check it out.

****

Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook atmadelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

Physical therapy hurts

soccer ballI”m not gonna lie. Physical therapy hurts. Let me be clear. It’s not, oh I just came back from a soccer game and I’m sore kind of pain.

It’s I dropped 2000 steps in a day pain. Let me be specific, that’s a little under half my steps for the day. The kind of pain that is hard to breathe throughout the day. The kind of pain where when I lay down, I can now feel it pain. It is the anxiety producing kind of pain. It’s anxiety producing because you just can’t get comfortable. You stand, you lay, you pace — but nothing, nothing works. As the day progresses, the anxiety sets in more and more. The shallow breathing. The shaking hands …

Then you’re crying.

But I’m desperate. I want to be better. So I’m not sure if I am doing too much at PT. How can I be doing too much? I’m barely doing anything at all.

But it seems too much for me.

I can’t bear the thought of telling people it hurts too much. I already feel like a failure. Medications don’t work. Surgery isn’t warranted … so what do I do?

PT has gotten me in trouble before, clearly. I wouldn’t be as bad off as I am if it weren’t for PT. However, some of it did help before.

So I’m caught between putting pressure on myself to get better, seeing this as my last hope, and very much worried that I’m doing more harm than good.

I’m at a loss of what to do.

**

This blog is made possible thanks to this GoDaddy coupon CJSIGLERC. If you want to blog yourself, I highly recommend it, check it out.

****

Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook atmadelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

Family Visit Went Great

flowers and butterfliesIn my last post I stated my family was coming to visit. Well …

It went great!

I had so much fun.

Logistically, I was a bit nervous. As my now 5-year-old niece likes to say “your house is kind of small”.  I wouldn’t care at all if my family was staying with me if I had a big house, but my family room is small! She’s not wrong! I was worried two queen air beds would not fit — but they did! I was also a bit worried that with 5 people in my tiny apartment we would be tripping all over each other.

I am quite pleased to report that that didn’t happen. The adults and kids were very cognizant of picking up after themselves or kicking toys under stuff to reduce the chance I would trip. That’s a huge concern of mine because whenever I do trip it’s beyond painful. Plus, I would be slightly embarrassed about screaming out in pain if I tripped. I don’t even have to fall down, just the jarring nature of tripping is excruciating.

Ultimately, I was beyond thrilled that they stayed with me. It was way better than the last time when they went to a hotel. I got tons more time with everyone and I could better plan when to lay down.

The kids were really wonderful about not jumping on me or tugging at me. They really did understand that Auntie is delicate and that went a long way into making my weekend more enjoyable — I could actually relax around them. I trusted them quite a bit, but that didn’t stop me from acting like I was in the mafia — always wanting my back against the wall! No surprises from behind!

beautiful-flower-wallpaperThe adults were great, too. Obviously, the children doing so well with Auntie is a direct reflection of the parenting by the adults. My sister-in-law and my brother did a great job of letting me lay down when I needed to and I didn’t feel too badly about having to do it. I could have laid down more, but I was just so excited to see everyone. Me not laying down more was on me, certainly not them. Besides, I am very happy to report that even though I pushed it, I am not the worse-for-wear after the weekend! Yay!

There was one incident when the 5-year-old came into the bedroom and started grilling me on my laying down habits which was slightly upsetting, not because of her, but because it’s just upsetting that I have to do it. Plus, kids don’t know how to read when someone is getting upset — the interrogation did not end swiftly! It’s okay though. I had no problem answering her questions, it’s just, like her, I have a hard time understanding my situation and when I have to reiterate it to those big blue eyes of hers it reminds me of how much I’ve lost.

wild-flowersMy favorite parts of the weekend were coloring with SK, brushing our teeth together, and texting. Yes, texting. She loves it. The nice thing was I trusted her enough to let her lay in bed with me and she was unbelievably sweet. We talked abut it for a minute or so and she did a good job convincing Auntie. She made up a rule that she would not cross a line in the bed and I was impressed that she kept her word! I mean, she’s 5! So it was really nice to lay next to her and text back and forth. SK likes the emoticons and she makes me happy with the stories she makes up about the little icons.

With Little Man, my favorite parts of the weekend with him was brushing our hair together and fireworks. He let me brush his hair for him and then he ran around reporting to everyone how smooth his hair was. My heart was filled with such joy! He also really liked the 4th of July fireworks and watching his face made me happy. SK tried real hard to participate, but at the end of the day, she just doesn’t like the noise. I was proud of her for trying and even more proud of her for just coming to the conclusion that she didn’t have to be out there with us.

Favorite kiddo lines from the weekend:

SK (after a minute of just staring at me) “I want you to drive back to Arizona with us”

SK (walks up from family room, hugs me) “I really like you, Auntie”

– both of these were just the fucking sweetest –

Little Man (in regards to them going to the pool. I don’t have this one exact) “We have to wait for Auntie, her suit’s not on yet”

– this one made me happy as he didn’t want to leave me behind! –

Little Man has one of the sweetest hearts around.

1267168-beauty-flowerOverall, the weekend was fabulous. I really, really loved having people around. I get quite desperately lonely as I am by myself almost every single day. Just to have laughter in the house and things happening was so wonderful. I miss people, I especially miss my family. I won’t lie to you, I sobbed uncontrollably Sunday night because I already missed them and it was just so nice to have people around. It’s one of the things that is hardest about my situation — the loneliness. The pain of course is horrible, but coupled with the isolation it’s close to unbearable at times. I try and hide it when people do come over because who wants to hear a sob story when you actually do get to spend time with people? Plus, my mom was a big complainer so I try everything in my power not to bring attention to my misery.

So if anyone is reading this blog, even though it is mostly just a journal for myself, please know that if you are worried about family coming to visit things can turn out brilliantly, like they did for me!

**

This blog is made possible thanks to this GoDaddy coupon CJSIGLERC. If you want to blog yourself, I highly recommend it, check it out.

****

Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook atmadelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com