I just don’t understand. I really thought that I would win. I guess, because I deserved to win, plus everyone told me that I would.
I am so screwed now, it’s ridiculous. I have no income. I truly can’t work. I can’t sit for more than five minutes and I can’t stand for more than 2 hours a day – and that’s just once. After that, I need to lay down in one hour intervals. My mind is spacey — always distracted from the pain. If I do try and go out, I’m pretty much laid up for the rest of the day. When I say go out, it’s usually for an hour. Coffee, or maybe a drink. Hardly ever food because I can’t tolerate to wait for it.
Apparently, not being able to bend at the waist, tie your own shoes, or put on your own underwear did not sway the judge. Apparently, not being able to remotely do your own grocery shopping, clean your own house, or get yourself to doctors was convincing to this judge. Apparently, being essentially home bound was not enough for this judge to approve my condition.
I’m so disgusted right now.
If I try and get work now, my simple, few joys in life will be gone. All my energy will be to put a roof over my head and food on the table. My joys of listening to the audiobooks I have will be inundated with more distracting pain from trying to work.
That’s IF I get a job. Who is going to hire a nurse that can only work from home, in two hour intervals, for a max of 4 hours a day?
I simply just don’t understand how this could happen. I spent my life taking care of other people. I did everything right. I’m such a straight-shooter. I didn’t cheat on my husband, tried to do right by my parents and brother, and this? I’ve been patient over 3 years to get better. No. Not that. Then, despite my quality of life being shit, I now have to worry about where to live, how to live, and how to eat? It’s truly mind-boggling.
My next few posts will be on what the denial letter actually said, which is a whole other conversation. After that, I will offer my advice for people who are starting this process so that they won’t make the same mistakes I did. I truly can’t believe that I had a company, Allsup, represent me for over a year, who had no fucking clue what they were doing and offered no tangible advice until it was too late.
Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at . Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com