Acclimating to the Change

The last week I have been trying to acclimate to the new change — living in San Diego. It’s been pretty tough.

As I have posted before, the biggest reason for the move is that I don’t have any money to support myself. MetLife stopped paying me and I’m still waiting to see if I will qualify for social security.

That breaks my heart. As I stare out on my balcony, it’s apparent how much I have lost. I no longer live in San Francisco, a city I built a really good life in. All my friends were there. All my doctors were there. All the places I loved going were all there.

I know it was really hard to get places, due to the hills and driving, but still. I was home.

I couldn’t afford it.

That’s the problem with San Francisco. When you get elderly, or something bad happens to you, it’s not that you just have to leave your apartment, you end up having to leave the entire city because there is absolutely no affordable housing. But I digress.

That’s all a distant memory now. I liked my apartment. Maybe I will like this one, too. But, right now, I don’t. It’s a crappy apartment because I can’t afford anything better. My neighbors are noisy and are involved in sketchy things. I live by myself and it’s kinda scary. I need to get a chain for the door. I sleep with a knife in my bed.

I’m lonely. I don’t know anyone here except for two people here. They help me out, but I feel like a burden. I am a burden. They have to take time out of their day to go grocery shopping for me or to do my laundry. They are doing a great job, always nice, wonderful people, but I wish they didn’t have to come over. I miss people coming over just to hang out. Just to talk about their day.

I miss my job. I miss interacting with people on a professional level. I miss helping people. I miss making other people’s lives better.

This is just all the more apparent because I am in a new place. It’s hard to imagine meeting people with my condition. People who would want to be friends with me. I know I would be successful at creating a new life here if I was well. However, the sad reality is that’s not the case. I am not well.

Being here in San Diego makes me feel like a failure.

I’m just having a hard time adjusting. I’m not here because I want to be. I’m here because it was the best option under undesirable circumstances.

I just need some time to reprogram.