Acclimating to the Change

The last week I have been trying to acclimate to the new change — living in San Diego. It’s been pretty tough.

As I have posted before, the biggest reason for the move is that I don’t have any money to support myself. MetLife stopped paying me and I’m still waiting to see if I will qualify for social security.

That breaks my heart. As I stare out on my balcony, it’s apparent how much I have lost. I no longer live in San Francisco, a city I built a really good life in. All my friends were there. All my doctors were there. All the places I loved going were all there.

I know it was really hard to get places, due to the hills and driving, but still. I was home.

I couldn’t afford it.

That’s the problem with San Francisco. When you get elderly, or something bad happens to you, it’s not that you just have to leave your apartment, you end up having to leave the entire city because there is absolutely no affordable housing. But I digress.

That’s all a distant memory now. I liked my apartment. Maybe I will like this one, too. But, right now, I don’t. It’s a crappy apartment because I can’t afford anything better. My neighbors are noisy and are involved in sketchy things. I live by myself and it’s kinda scary. I need to get a chain for the door. I sleep with a knife in my bed.

I’m lonely. I don’t know anyone here except for two people here. They help me out, but I feel like a burden. I am a burden. They have to take time out of their day to go grocery shopping for me or to do my laundry. They are doing a great job, always nice, wonderful people, but I wish they didn’t have to come over. I miss people coming over just to hang out. Just to talk about their day.

I miss my job. I miss interacting with people on a professional level. I miss helping people. I miss making other people’s lives better.

This is just all the more apparent because I am in a new place. It’s hard to imagine meeting people with my condition. People who would want to be friends with me. I know I would be successful at creating a new life here if I was well. However, the sad reality is that’s not the case. I am not well.

Being here in San Diego makes me feel like a failure.

I’m just having a hard time adjusting. I’m not here because I want to be. I’m here because it was the best option under undesirable circumstances.

I just need some time to reprogram.

Move Complete – Part 2

So once I got here, I thought everything was fine. I arrived on a Saturday evening and while people moved the RV to a safer location to park it, I kind of wandered around the new apartment, taking a look at where things had been placed and such. I actually felt pretty good?? I’m not sure what happened after that. I went to bed that night and woke up the next day sore, but not too bad. I had a big Green Bay game against the Patriots that day and don’t remember being in too much pain while I laid in bed watching it. I had to watch it on my phone because, of course, my internet did not work right off the bat. Thankfully, I have Verizon and they have a deal with the NFL that you can stream it over your phone. Needless to say, my phone bill will be big this month because I blew through my data plan. However, it was well worth it to see that game.

My point is, I don’t remember to much pain just laying there. Then, I went for a walk. That may have done it. We walked all the way around my complex. I’m not sure if it was the slight incline or if it was the length of the walk (about double what my biggest walk was in San Mateo). However, the more I have thought about it over the last few days, I’m leaning toward the walk. Either that, or the adrenaline wore off or the swelling in my body got worse after 24 hours. Pretty much that night was very painful and started a cascade of pain. I had planned only on going for a very small walk, just to poke my head outdoors, but the person I was with kind of distracted me and I kept going. Again, I never feel the pain while I am doing something, it always seems to settle in later? That’s why it is so hard for me to gauge things sometimes and why I have such a mind-fuck going on when I do something (why I’m so scared to try things). I just wanted to get an idea of where I was and such. Like and idiot though, I did it, and now I can’t tell what caused the pain.

Now it’s been just over a week since the move and I’m still doing terribly. I love to talk to my 4 year old niece over the iPad on FaceTime, and I can’t even do that. I spoke to her for about 45 minutes yesterday and spent the next two hours in bed crying. I love that little girl and it kills me that I can’t pick her up, go visit her, or kiss her. All I have is the ability to talk to her over FaceTime and now I can’t even do that. My brother offered to bring the kids out in the next few weeks, but I have to decline. If I can’t even talk to them on the iPad for 45 minutes, then I don’t think it’s such a good idea to see them.

I’m very sad over what is going on. I’m trying to keep in mind that I just undertook a big endeavor, and that recuperating will take time, but I’m just scared. Ever since I first got hurt, I just keep getting worse. Every time I have injured myself since in regards to my back, I get somewhat better, but I never return to my previous level of functioning. I hope I do this time.

Move Complete -Part 1

The move is complete as of Saturday evening. It was equally harder, and a little bit better than I had expected.

This entry will only be the drive as I am in so much pain I can’t even write for few minutes.

At first, I couldn’t even get into the bed. It was chest high and we had to build a platform for me to get in. I started to cry, because it showed just how difficult my situation is. I can’t even get into a bed! People don’t realize just how bad off I am.

Then we started to drive and I bounced around in the thing, lifting clear off the bed. There was literally separation between my back and the bed.  I started to have a full fledged panic attack at that point. I couldn’t believe that we put that much effort into moving me and it wasn’t going to work out.

My brother called and tried to calm me down. He was very supportive. He told me I could bail. That he would fly the next day to figure something out. He told me I wasn’t a failure, even though I totally felt like one.

We ultimately ended up rearranging the bed into a different part of the RV that was a little less bouncy. I did better with that, but it was still the stupidest thing I have ever done. It was not worth it. I am in so much more pain now. What sucks, is that I had to do it because I am out of money and San Francisco/San Mateo is just way, way too expensive to live on zero income. It’s nuts. If my disability insurance carrier would have paid me my money I would never of had to go through this. I wouldn’t be in worse pain now, and I wouldn’t be scared shitless that this is my new baseline. I just keep getting worse, and because my body is already in a weakened state, I don’t bounce back from stuff nearly as easily and if at all.

I’m too exhausted to write about all of my difficulties since getting to San Diego and I will save that for next week.