Random Ramblings: Sometimes the worst part of chronic pain is the loneliness

Sometimes the worst part of chronic pain is the loneliness.


Yes, it sucks that I am in pain all the time. It’s not like if I just don’t do anything I’m pain free. I still have pain regardless — lots of it.


Yet, what can be equally demoralizing is the loneliness. The sitting by yourself in the pain. Not having anyone to talk to. Not having anyone to comfort you. Not having anyone to lean on.


Maybe you have a spouse or significant other to lean on. It doesn’t mean you’re not lonely. When they are gone, you sit (in may case lay), by yourself, without any interaction. Those simple trips to the grocery store, you miss. The conversations with your coworkers. The dinner parties. The drinks for happy hour.


You try to fill the time with reading articles, books, watching movies, but it’s not the same. Those lingering thoughts of loneliness creep in.


I think I need a cat.


Oh, wait. I’m allergic.


Sometimes, life just sucks.

Anat Baniel Method of Feldenkrais

Today I tried something new. It is called ADM. It stands for Anat Baniel Method of Feldenkrais.


it is supposed to help retrain your brain to not perceive, or to over-perceive pain. It was pretty interesting. Since my back has been so bad for the last four months, we couldn’t do any work on my back. Yet, she did introduce the concept to me by using my fingers. We did a technique that would allow me to very smoothly lift my fingers up to train my brain the right way to do stuff. It’s supposed to break your brains pattern of causing pain every time you turn around.


I could see that that could work. I hope it does. Nicely, she didn’t charge me, and she came to my house. She was very, very nice. She agreed to email me a game plan due to the severity of my injuries. She also agreed to 1/2 sessions, which I thought was nice to help me tolerate the lessons. Overall, really nice lady.

Researching vans to travel in — thinking of the Sprinter

I guess it’s time to start researching how to get myself more mobile since I don’t seem to be getting better. I was thinking of getting a van. Maybe some kind of conversion van I can lay down in so that when I want to go to doctor appointments and such, I will have a way of getting there. Right now, I hate to go to the doctor because the whole thing is so painful. Besides, with the last doctor that did me in and made me so much worse, I don’t need another reason to lose track of trying to find a way to get better. Something is wrong with me, and someone needs to figure it out. It can’t just be this way, it can’t …

So some of the things that I looked at recently were Dodge Sprinters, which I realize has a Mercedes engine. So, after some research, I realize that Mercedes is now in charge of making and selling the Sprinter. They have a lot of good information on the website that helped me learn about what they had to offer.

First, a person can standup in the Sprinter. That’s necessary for me. Too often people tell me to just lay down in the back of a car. Well, I can’t. I can’t crawl in. I can’t stoop to get in. I need to stand, sit, then lay. In that order. I am 63 inches. That’s perfect to walk into a Sprinter.

I also learned a lot of campers outfit their Sprinters and make them conversion vans: http://www.midwestautomotivedesigns.com/?page=products

So now, I already know it can be done.  You can buy a Sprinter all decked out, ready set go. But, I don’t need a toilet and a shower. I need a way to get to doctor appointments and to maybe be driven every once in awhile downtown for some semblance of a life.

I really think I am going to look into this further. I also found out that since it is a Mercedes diesel engine, that 200,000 miles is nothing to worry about. Good to know. I don’t think that I can afford a brand new Mercedes Sprinter. Yet, if it is my only way to get around …

OH, one more option, Ford is coming out with a 2015 Transit. It’s very, very similar to the Sprinter. I wonder how much it will cost? It’s taller than the Transit Connect, which is that cute little model they have out now, it’s just not long enough or tall enough.

Let me know if any of you have found any good options. Or maybe have a van that you have already converted. Just keep in mind, I can’t just get a Ford cargo van, because, again, I can’t crawl into the back of one of those. If I could do that, oh, my! I would be physically doing so much better!

Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com