Random Ramblings: New Year, new doctors

It’s been way too long with this back pain. After some much needed tough love from my family, I am attacking this new year with new doctors. The ones I am with just aren’t working.

I have now made a new doctor appointment with my primary care physician to see who he can recommend. I have also made appointments with the pain clinic at UCSF and the spine center at UCSF.

I really don’t like the idea of going to a pain clinic. It makes me feel like I have failed. I shouldn’t have to be going to a pain clinic — I feel like I should be better by now. Yet, I am not. It also makes me worried that they are going to prescribe a bunch of pills that simply mask the pain and that I won’t actually get any better. Another big concern of mine is that the masking of the pain will actually cause more damage. I injure myself so easily. Sometimes I don’t know how much until the next day when a simple pain, or a non-felt pain materializes the next day into a full-blown problem.

But, I will try this pain clinic because what do I have to lose? I know, that’s what I said about the physical therapist and I am a million times worse now because of them. Oh, how I wish I had never gone to that physical therapist. Sometimes, well a lot actually, it keeps me up at night thinking about how that one physical therapy visit changed my entire life.

Random Ramblings – Brother in town to visit

I have not seen my brother in a year and a half — the exact amount of time that I have been injured.

I last saw him when his son was born. It was two weeks after I hurt myself originally. Then, it was just the T10-T11 ligament tear. I was able to get on the plane, see his son born, but had to return early because the pain was a bit much.

Now, that seems so long ago. I would never be able to get on a plane now. I can’t even drive. Oh, how I wish I could go back to even just how hurt I was then.

Anyways, I’m so excited to see him because before I was injured, I would fly to see him almost every other month. Sometimes every 6 weeks. I love my twin, and I love his kids. I wish I could play with them, and play hide and seek, play with them, and read to them.

For now, I will just be happy to spend time with my brother.

We have the Lions game to watch tomorrow together, which will be super fun. I’ll order us some food, and we can just relax and not talk — cause, really, he’s still a boy!

I can’t wait!

Radom Ramblings for the day – friends equal more pain

Today is an interesting day. I had friends come over this week on Tuesday and Wednesday. I felt like I was doing okay when they were here. However, last night was kind of difficult. Lots more pain. There was a bit of burning at the site, but more so, there was a real tenderness around the muscle site.

It just sucks because I want to be able to do more stuff, I just hate suffering for it because of it. What I really need to do is find a place that is flat, so that I can walk whenever I want and get out whenever I want. It would be so much better for me.

I’m think of maybe trying Auburn, California. It looks beautiful there, it is near a Sutter hospital, and it’s a lot cheaper.

I think that might be in my best interest.

The only sad thing will I won’t have any friends around there. It’ll be lonely out there.

I tried acupuncture again

I tried acupuncture again. This time instead of being from a friend of mine, I am having it done by a physician.

He seems like he knows what he is doing. He explains all the meridians and the thought process behind why it will help with chronic pain.

It all sounds good in theory. However, all I want are results at this point. I want my pain to be gone. I want my life back. I want to have a future. I’m so tired of waiting for my life to resume. I do all the things asked of me. My stretches, my pills, my doctor visits. The problem is I took all of their advice and that is why I am worse off.

I don’t know. I guess I just feel like I’ve put in my time. I have suffered and now I am ready to come out the other side and put it all behind me.

That just hasn’t happened yet.

I really, really want that to happen.